January 7, 2012
I’ve been in bed for most of the time these past two days. I haven’t been sleeping the whole time, just lying down. The doctor added another pill to my morning cocktail and when I lye down and close my eyes, my head starts spinning in a good way. In the evening I get downers so I have slept at night, but at daytime I’m flying high. I have to get up every now and then though, so the nurses don’t think I’m wallowing in misery the whole day and need someone to talk to. I had a talk with a psychologist the day before yesterday and I couldn’t wait for the meeting to be over. The chair that I was sitting on was so soft that I had to fight the urge to just close my eyes and enjoy the high.
Another weird thing is that I don’t feel like smoking that much anymore. I still go for a cigarette every now and then, but mainly out of habit. I think yesterday I smoked less than ten cigarettes. I’ve heard that doctors sometimes prescribe antidepressants to people who want to quit smoking. Although I’m not sure if getting high everyday is more healthier than smoking.
January 3, 2012
I think the drugs are starting to affect me. The doctor said it would take a couple of weeks and over two weeks have gone. I’m not feeling like myself anymore. It’s getting harder to live in the moment. Thoughts and worries about the future keep creeping up in my mind. It’s harder to distract my thoughts away from things I can’t do anything about at the moment.
Last night before I fell asleep I started thinking about how long I’m going to live. If I’d know I had less than a year to live, I’d be fine with it. I could hang in there for that long. But the thought of living a full life… Even now I feel like panicking. I’m starting to seriously think of ways to kill myself. I googled poisons yesterday, but I didn’t find anything both practical and having a high chance of being effective.
January 1, 2012
Went to bed last night before 11pm. I didn’t hear or see any fireworks, which makes this New Years eve different from all the others. After the evening tea the nurses brought soda and chips and everyone gathered in the TV room. Everyone but me. I’m not into non-alcoholic parties. I’m not into parties in general. If a friend is having a party, I sometimes feel obligated to go, but I’d rather be drinking alone.
I only have a few friends. I’ve known them from secondary school. After them, I haven’t made any friends from the schools and workplaces I’ve been in. I think the reason, why I’ve kept in contact with those few people is that they like to drink heavily too. In my late teens and early twenties I thought drinking by yourself was embarrassing, so it was handy to have a few drinking buddies. Nowadays I don’t care.
It’s more than three weeks since I’ve been drunk. It’s weird how, despite drinking almost everyday for at last two years, I didn’t get any physical withdrawal symptoms when I quit and I only get occasionally cravings. I guess I’m not tempted so much, because I know I don’t have a chance of getting drunk without getting caught, so it’s not worth thinking about. If I’d have an opportunity to get drunk, I wouldn’t think twice about it.
December 31, 2011
My sister and my mother came to visit today. As soon as they got here they started talking about money. They want to help me get my financial things in order. The trouble is I don’t have all the bills I owe, because I threw them away thinking I’d be dead by now. I kept telling them I’ll ask for help when I get things figured out with the social worker, to which my sister answered: "You didn’t ask help before. Why should we trust you to ask now? We want to do something for you and financial help is all we know how to do right now." Like I now have an obligation to let them help me.
I know I sound ungrateful. And actually I am. I didn’t ask to be born. I didn’t ask to live in this world. It’s not that I want to see them sad, but I’d rather do that than keep pretending to be normal. I wish they’d forget that I exist.
December 30, 2011
Had a discussion with the activity therapist this morning. When she talked, she kept using a lot more words than necessary, which caused me to zone out at times. I told her that I don’t really feel like adding a new activity to my life. She replied that even if I don’t feel like it, I should do something new, because it would bring more meaning to my life. I don’t really want meaning in my life. Having meaning in my life means that I have to make an effort and I’m not going to go on that road anymore.
I am permitted to go outside for a few hours in the day. I usually tell the staff I’m going for a walk, when I’m actually going to a coffee shop for a latte and read today’s papers. It’s not that it’s not allowed, but I don’t want to hear about how I should move more. The therapist said that when I’m having a walk, I should stop at times, close my mp3 player and take notice of my surroundings. She said I should count how many trees I see, look for round shapes or do something else like that. How something like that is supposed to help me? I have no clue.
One good thing that has happened, is that the doctor has doubled my evening meds. I slept better last night, even though I still kept waking up at times. I’ve already taken the meds for tonight and I’m feeling pretty high right now. It’s weird how, despite feeling really good at this moment, if I could get one wish right now, it would still be to have never have existed.
December 29, 2011
After the Christmas a lot of new patients started coming in. The room that I’m sleeping in has four beds and it’s full right now. What makes matters worse, is that all the other patients are middle aged and talk all the time with a very loud voice. I’m writing this in the hallway and on top of the yelling in my room, I can hear loud talking from the TV/dining room where some of the other new patients are hanging. One of them is a guy who I think is not that bright. He talks like a child. What I mean is he talks all the time and says everything that comes up in his mind. He tried to make conversation with me during dinner and would not take a hint from my short answers that I didn’t feel like talking. All the other patients have gotten it.
Saw the doctor today and she ordered another EKG, despite the first one showing nothing unusual. Also she increased my evening medication so I would sleep better. I’m going to find out next night if it works. I refused to go to group therapies that this place has, so I’m meeting the activity therapist tomorrow morning because I’m supposed to find myself some sort of hobby. I’m supposed to get exited about doing something new.
I’m so tired of trying to be happy. I give up. I’m never going to be a well balanced person with a good job, active social life and challenging hobbies. I’ve already tried that and it doesn’t make me happy. I don’t think anything will. Can I just spend the rest of my life killing time? That’s all I want. I don’t want to be productive or better myself. Just let me be.
December 28, 2011
I’m in a really bad mood today. I get irritated from the tiniest things. Patients here are divided between the nurses, so that each patient has two nurses who are more involved with their treatment. I have one male and one female nurse. I don’t mind the male nurse, but the female one just irritates me. The way she’s looking at me and the way she talks to me feels like she doesn’t like dealing with me. Like a waitress who hates her job not wanting to deal with customers. It’s probably in my head, but I can’t shake the feeling.
I wish I could get one night of good sleep. I keep waking up several times at night and when it’s breakfast time I’m really drowsy until I take my morning pill. It wakes me up but I still crave for sleep the entire day. The same way someone would crave for a snack even when not hungry. I wish I could get the same kind of sleeping pill I got the first night here. Now the only kind of pill they’ll give me is the kind that helps fall asleep. I have no trouble falling asleep, the problem is staying asleep. So I don’t bother even to ask.
I was planning to talk about this with my doctor today, but the meeting got rescheduled for tomorrow. I don’t like the doctor. She’s perky. And she asks leading questions. Instead of "How are you?", she asks "You’re doing good, aren’t you?" I notice answering yes before I even think about the question. Then it feels awkward to correct myself.