28 December, 2011 20:34

December 28, 2011

I’m in a really bad mood today. I get irritated from the tiniest things. Patients here are divided between the nurses, so that each patient has two nurses who are more involved with their treatment. I have one male and one female nurse. I don’t mind the male nurse, but the female one just irritates me. The way she’s looking at me and the way she talks to me feels like she doesn’t like dealing with me. Like a waitress who hates her job not wanting to deal with customers. It’s probably in my head, but I can’t shake the feeling.

I wish I could get one night of good sleep. I keep waking up several times at night and when it’s breakfast time I’m really drowsy until I take my morning pill. It wakes me up but I still crave for sleep the entire day. The same way someone would crave for a snack even when not hungry. I wish I could get the same kind of sleeping pill I got the first night here. Now the only kind of pill they’ll give me is the kind that helps fall asleep. I have no trouble falling asleep, the problem is staying asleep. So I don’t bother even to ask.

I was planning to talk about this with my doctor today, but the meeting got rescheduled for tomorrow. I don’t like the doctor. She’s perky. And she asks leading questions. Instead of "How are you?", she asks "You’re doing good, aren’t you?" I notice answering yes before I even think about the question. Then it feels awkward to correct myself.

Unstable personality

December 25, 2011

I had a long discussion with one of the nurses last night. The first discussion I’ve had here, where I felt someone properly listened. He said it seems like I have an unstable personality. I knew something more than just depression was going on with me. He’s not a doctor, so he can’t make an official diagnosis, but after I read on the subject, I noticed that I have most of the symptoms.

I have depression, anxiety, I’m easily irritated, I don’t feel comfortable in social situations (except when drunk), I feel mildly delusional at times, I drink too much, I’m suicidal, I have previously cut myself to relieve anxiety, I have a habit of over eating, I’m impulsive when I feel stressed, I have trouble with expressing my feelings etc.

I feel a little bit better, now that I’ve had the talk. I’m not sure was it the talking or finding out what’s wrong with me or both. I’m just not sure how things move forward from now on. According to what I’ve read, treatment usually lasts 2-3 years, and therapy is vital to the recovery. I might be able to get therapy sooner than I thought, if the doctor agrees with the nurse on the diagnosis. She’s probably not coming here until Tuesday so I’m going to have to wait a few days.

Different kind of Christmas

December 24, 2011

My mom and my sister came to visit today. It didn’t go as badly as I thought. They stayed less than an our and my sister only cried a little bit. Mom didn’t pressure me to talk about my feeling as much as she did last time. I can’t talk to her, or to anyone in my family, cause I don’t like lying and I can’t tell the truth. I can’t tell them that I’ve given up trying and I’d prefer to be dead. I’d never hear the end of it.

After they left, I’ve been feeling a bit restless. I’ve been staying in my room for most of the day. There aren’t that many patients here today and almost all of them are watching TV. I can’t stand the Christmas shows. Haven’t liked Christmas for many years now. Usually I go to my parents house for Christmas eve, come back home in the evening and drink by myself for the rest of the Christmas. I haven’t really craved for alcohol since I got here, until now. I guess that’s one tradition I have to pass this year.

A nurse came in the room just as I was writing this and gave me pills, because apparently I’ve been looking anxious today. Wasn’t aware that it was that obvious. Last time that I took those drugs for my anxiety they didn’t help. That’s why I haven’t asked for them today. Lets see if they work today.

Suicide by Atkins

December 23, 2011

The nurses are getting worried about my bloodpressure being so high. Propably it’s caused by the drugs. They told me to come and tell straight away if I had a headache or felt dizzy. I’m feeling a bit dizzy and I have a mild headache, but I don’t want to tell that to the nurses. I’m hoping to get a heart attack or something. I’m probaply too young for that. Although I’ve heard of teenage girls having heart attacks from Atkins. I should have thought of that before I got here. Maby I’ll try it after I get out. Eat nothing but bacon untill collapse on the floor. Slow but delicious way to end a life.