After the Christmas a lot of new patients started coming in. The room that I’m sleeping in has four beds and it’s full right now. What makes matters worse, is that all the other patients are middle aged and talk all the time with a very loud voice. I’m writing this in the hallway and on top of the yelling in my room, I can hear loud talking from the TV/dining room where some of the other new patients are hanging. One of them is a guy who I think is not that bright. He talks like a child. What I mean is he talks all the time and says everything that comes up in his mind. He tried to make conversation with me during dinner and would not take a hint from my short answers that I didn’t feel like talking. All the other patients have gotten it.

Saw the doctor today and she ordered another EKG, despite the first one showing nothing unusual. Also she increased my evening medication so I would sleep better. I’m going to find out next night if it works. I refused to go to group therapies that this place has, so I’m meeting the activity therapist tomorrow morning because I’m supposed to find myself some sort of hobby. I’m supposed to get exited about doing something new.

I’m so tired of trying to be happy. I give up. I’m never going to be a well balanced person with a good job, active social life and challenging hobbies. I’ve already tried that and it doesn’t make me happy. I don’t think anything will. Can I just spend the rest of my life killing time? That’s all I want. I don’t want to be productive or better myself. Just let me be.