28 December, 2011 20:34

December 28, 2011

I’m in a really bad mood today. I get irritated from the tiniest things. Patients here are divided between the nurses, so that each patient has two nurses who are more involved with their treatment. I have one male and one female nurse. I don’t mind the male nurse, but the female one just irritates me. The way she’s looking at me and the way she talks to me feels like she doesn’t like dealing with me. Like a waitress who hates her job not wanting to deal with customers. It’s probably in my head, but I can’t shake the feeling.

I wish I could get one night of good sleep. I keep waking up several times at night and when it’s breakfast time I’m really drowsy until I take my morning pill. It wakes me up but I still crave for sleep the entire day. The same way someone would crave for a snack even when not hungry. I wish I could get the same kind of sleeping pill I got the first night here. Now the only kind of pill they’ll give me is the kind that helps fall asleep. I have no trouble falling asleep, the problem is staying asleep. So I don’t bother even to ask.

I was planning to talk about this with my doctor today, but the meeting got rescheduled for tomorrow. I don’t like the doctor. She’s perky. And she asks leading questions. Instead of "How are you?", she asks "You’re doing good, aren’t you?" I notice answering yes before I even think about the question. Then it feels awkward to correct myself.

Different kind of Christmas

December 24, 2011

My mom and my sister came to visit today. It didn’t go as badly as I thought. They stayed less than an our and my sister only cried a little bit. Mom didn’t pressure me to talk about my feeling as much as she did last time. I can’t talk to her, or to anyone in my family, cause I don’t like lying and I can’t tell the truth. I can’t tell them that I’ve given up trying and I’d prefer to be dead. I’d never hear the end of it.

After they left, I’ve been feeling a bit restless. I’ve been staying in my room for most of the day. There aren’t that many patients here today and almost all of them are watching TV. I can’t stand the Christmas shows. Haven’t liked Christmas for many years now. Usually I go to my parents house for Christmas eve, come back home in the evening and drink by myself for the rest of the Christmas. I haven’t really craved for alcohol since I got here, until now. I guess that’s one tradition I have to pass this year.

A nurse came in the room just as I was writing this and gave me pills, because apparently I’ve been looking anxious today. Wasn’t aware that it was that obvious. Last time that I took those drugs for my anxiety they didn’t help. That’s why I haven’t asked for them today. Lets see if they work today.