Money, money, money.

December 31, 2011

My sister and my mother came to visit today. As soon as they got here they started talking about money. They want to help me get my financial things in order. The trouble is I don’t have all the bills I owe, because I threw them away thinking I’d be dead by now. I kept telling them I’ll ask for help when I get things figured out with the social worker, to which my sister answered: "You didn’t ask help before. Why should we trust you to ask now? We want to do something for you and financial help is all we know how to do right now." Like I now have an obligation to let them help me.

I know I sound ungrateful. And actually I am. I didn’t ask to be born. I didn’t ask to live in this world. It’s not that I want to see them sad, but I’d rather do that than keep pretending to be normal. I wish they’d forget that I exist.


Activity therapist

December 30, 2011

Had a discussion with the activity therapist this morning. When she talked, she kept using a lot more words than necessary, which caused me to zone out at times. I told her that I don’t really feel like adding a new activity to my life. She replied that even if I don’t feel like it, I should do something new, because it would bring more meaning to my life. I don’t really want meaning in my life. Having meaning in my life means that I have to make an effort and I’m not going to go on that road anymore.

I am permitted to go outside for a few hours in the day. I usually tell the staff I’m going for a walk, when I’m actually going to a coffee shop for a latte and read today’s papers. It’s not that it’s not allowed, but I don’t want to hear about how I should move more. The therapist said that when I’m having a walk, I should stop at times, close my mp3 player and take notice of my surroundings. She said I should count how many trees I see, look for round shapes or do something else like that. How something like that is supposed to help me? I have no clue.

One good thing that has happened, is that the doctor has doubled my evening meds. I slept better last night, even though I still kept waking up at times. I’ve already taken the meds for tonight and I’m feeling pretty high right now. It’s weird how, despite feeling really good at this moment, if I could get one wish right now, it would still be to have never have existed.

After the Christmas a lot of new patients started coming in. The room that I’m sleeping in has four beds and it’s full right now. What makes matters worse, is that all the other patients are middle aged and talk all the time with a very loud voice. I’m writing this in the hallway and on top of the yelling in my room, I can hear loud talking from the TV/dining room where some of the other new patients are hanging. One of them is a guy who I think is not that bright. He talks like a child. What I mean is he talks all the time and says everything that comes up in his mind. He tried to make conversation with me during dinner and would not take a hint from my short answers that I didn’t feel like talking. All the other patients have gotten it.

Saw the doctor today and she ordered another EKG, despite the first one showing nothing unusual. Also she increased my evening medication so I would sleep better. I’m going to find out next night if it works. I refused to go to group therapies that this place has, so I’m meeting the activity therapist tomorrow morning because I’m supposed to find myself some sort of hobby. I’m supposed to get exited about doing something new.

I’m so tired of trying to be happy. I give up. I’m never going to be a well balanced person with a good job, active social life and challenging hobbies. I’ve already tried that and it doesn’t make me happy. I don’t think anything will. Can I just spend the rest of my life killing time? That’s all I want. I don’t want to be productive or better myself. Just let me be.

28 December, 2011 20:34

December 28, 2011

I’m in a really bad mood today. I get irritated from the tiniest things. Patients here are divided between the nurses, so that each patient has two nurses who are more involved with their treatment. I have one male and one female nurse. I don’t mind the male nurse, but the female one just irritates me. The way she’s looking at me and the way she talks to me feels like she doesn’t like dealing with me. Like a waitress who hates her job not wanting to deal with customers. It’s probably in my head, but I can’t shake the feeling.

I wish I could get one night of good sleep. I keep waking up several times at night and when it’s breakfast time I’m really drowsy until I take my morning pill. It wakes me up but I still crave for sleep the entire day. The same way someone would crave for a snack even when not hungry. I wish I could get the same kind of sleeping pill I got the first night here. Now the only kind of pill they’ll give me is the kind that helps fall asleep. I have no trouble falling asleep, the problem is staying asleep. So I don’t bother even to ask.

I was planning to talk about this with my doctor today, but the meeting got rescheduled for tomorrow. I don’t like the doctor. She’s perky. And she asks leading questions. Instead of "How are you?", she asks "You’re doing good, aren’t you?" I notice answering yes before I even think about the question. Then it feels awkward to correct myself.

What am I doing here?

December 27, 2011

I’ve now been in this mental hospital over a week and I’ve started to wonder what’s am I going to do in the future. Which is not good. I’m trying to keep those thoughts away, because they stress me out. I’m going to be here for a few weeks, so it’s no use thinking about it now.

They took an EKG today. I’m not sure why, but I’d guess it’s to do with my high blood pressure and the fact that they plan to increase my medication. Currently I’m taking one pill in the morning, different one in the evening and pills that are supposed to calm me down during the day, if needed. I say supposed, because all they seem to do is make me dizzy and give me a slight headache. Despite the amount of drugs, I really haven’t notices any difference in my mood. The doctor said the effect is going to show in few weeks.

I haven’t slept well after the first night here. I keep waking up in the middle of the night several times. Sometimes for no reason, sometimes because my roommate is shouting "Help!" in her sleep and I have to get out of bed and wake her up. The bad sleep is really starting to put me in a bad mood. Little things are starting to irritate me to a point where I want to punch someone. I’m not violent by nature and if I would actually hit someone, I’d be really supriced. I’m just entertaining the thought.

I was searching the web for scientific studies about depression and found this on

Immediately I thought of those goofy American think positive classes, where you stand in front of a mirror every day telling yourself what a wonderful person you are. And when you tell yourself a lie enough times you start to believe it. I always wondered, if those people really wanted to feel good about themselves, why don’t they just do something good. Give blood, do volunteer work or something, so they would have an actual reason to feel good.

I don’t know is this CNT the same kind of thing. I tried to find an example of the exorcises the patients do, but didn’t find any. Changing the way a person thinks just sounds so weird to me. I don’t have a problem with the way I think, my thoughts are pretty rational in my opinion. It’s my feeling that are the irrational ones. Sometimes I’m feeling bad, even if things are not worse than usual and sometimes when bad stuff happens, I feel just fine. It’s like the part of my brain that handles conscious thinking is not connected to the part that handles emotions.

Unstable personality

December 25, 2011

I had a long discussion with one of the nurses last night. The first discussion I’ve had here, where I felt someone properly listened. He said it seems like I have an unstable personality. I knew something more than just depression was going on with me. He’s not a doctor, so he can’t make an official diagnosis, but after I read on the subject, I noticed that I have most of the symptoms.

I have depression, anxiety, I’m easily irritated, I don’t feel comfortable in social situations (except when drunk), I feel mildly delusional at times, I drink too much, I’m suicidal, I have previously cut myself to relieve anxiety, I have a habit of over eating, I’m impulsive when I feel stressed, I have trouble with expressing my feelings etc.

I feel a little bit better, now that I’ve had the talk. I’m not sure was it the talking or finding out what’s wrong with me or both. I’m just not sure how things move forward from now on. According to what I’ve read, treatment usually lasts 2-3 years, and therapy is vital to the recovery. I might be able to get therapy sooner than I thought, if the doctor agrees with the nurse on the diagnosis. She’s probably not coming here until Tuesday so I’m going to have to wait a few days.