Flying high

January 7, 2012

I’ve been in bed for most of the time these past two days. I haven’t been sleeping the whole time, just lying down. The doctor added another pill to my morning cocktail and when I lye down and close my eyes, my head starts spinning in a good way. In the evening I get downers so I have slept at night, but at daytime I’m flying high. I have to get up every now and then though, so the nurses don’t think I’m wallowing in misery the whole day and need someone to talk to. I had a talk with a psychologist the day before yesterday and I couldn’t wait for the meeting to be over. The chair that I was sitting on was so soft that I had to fight the urge to just close my eyes and enjoy the high.

Another weird thing is that I don’t feel like smoking that much anymore. I still go for a cigarette every now and then, but mainly out of habit. I think yesterday I smoked less than ten cigarettes. I’ve heard that doctors sometimes prescribe antidepressants to people who want to quit smoking. Although I’m not sure if getting high everyday is more healthier than smoking.

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I think the drugs are starting to affect me. The doctor said it would take a couple of weeks and over two weeks have gone. I’m not feeling like myself anymore. It’s getting harder to live in the moment. Thoughts and worries about the future keep creeping up in my mind. It’s harder to distract my thoughts away from things I can’t do anything about at the moment.

Last night before I fell asleep I started thinking about how long I’m going to live. If I’d know I had less than a year to live, I’d be fine with it. I could hang in there for that long. But the thought of living a full life… Even now I feel like panicking. I’m starting to seriously think of ways to kill myself. I googled poisons yesterday, but I didn’t find anything both practical and having a high chance of being effective.

Money, money, money.

December 31, 2011

My sister and my mother came to visit today. As soon as they got here they started talking about money. They want to help me get my financial things in order. The trouble is I don’t have all the bills I owe, because I threw them away thinking I’d be dead by now. I kept telling them I’ll ask for help when I get things figured out with the social worker, to which my sister answered: "You didn’t ask help before. Why should we trust you to ask now? We want to do something for you and financial help is all we know how to do right now." Like I now have an obligation to let them help me.

I know I sound ungrateful. And actually I am. I didn’t ask to be born. I didn’t ask to live in this world. It’s not that I want to see them sad, but I’d rather do that than keep pretending to be normal. I wish they’d forget that I exist.

Activity therapist

December 30, 2011

Had a discussion with the activity therapist this morning. When she talked, she kept using a lot more words than necessary, which caused me to zone out at times. I told her that I don’t really feel like adding a new activity to my life. She replied that even if I don’t feel like it, I should do something new, because it would bring more meaning to my life. I don’t really want meaning in my life. Having meaning in my life means that I have to make an effort and I’m not going to go on that road anymore.

I am permitted to go outside for a few hours in the day. I usually tell the staff I’m going for a walk, when I’m actually going to a coffee shop for a latte and read today’s papers. It’s not that it’s not allowed, but I don’t want to hear about how I should move more. The therapist said that when I’m having a walk, I should stop at times, close my mp3 player and take notice of my surroundings. She said I should count how many trees I see, look for round shapes or do something else like that. How something like that is supposed to help me? I have no clue.

One good thing that has happened, is that the doctor has doubled my evening meds. I slept better last night, even though I still kept waking up at times. I’ve already taken the meds for tonight and I’m feeling pretty high right now. It’s weird how, despite feeling really good at this moment, if I could get one wish right now, it would still be to have never have existed.

28 December, 2011 20:34

December 28, 2011

I’m in a really bad mood today. I get irritated from the tiniest things. Patients here are divided between the nurses, so that each patient has two nurses who are more involved with their treatment. I have one male and one female nurse. I don’t mind the male nurse, but the female one just irritates me. The way she’s looking at me and the way she talks to me feels like she doesn’t like dealing with me. Like a waitress who hates her job not wanting to deal with customers. It’s probably in my head, but I can’t shake the feeling.

I wish I could get one night of good sleep. I keep waking up several times at night and when it’s breakfast time I’m really drowsy until I take my morning pill. It wakes me up but I still crave for sleep the entire day. The same way someone would crave for a snack even when not hungry. I wish I could get the same kind of sleeping pill I got the first night here. Now the only kind of pill they’ll give me is the kind that helps fall asleep. I have no trouble falling asleep, the problem is staying asleep. So I don’t bother even to ask.

I was planning to talk about this with my doctor today, but the meeting got rescheduled for tomorrow. I don’t like the doctor. She’s perky. And she asks leading questions. Instead of "How are you?", she asks "You’re doing good, aren’t you?" I notice answering yes before I even think about the question. Then it feels awkward to correct myself.

I was searching the web for scientific studies about depression and found this on http://psychcentral.com/news/2011/11/18/practice-concrete-thinking-to-lessen-depression/31657.html

Immediately I thought of those goofy American think positive classes, where you stand in front of a mirror every day telling yourself what a wonderful person you are. And when you tell yourself a lie enough times you start to believe it. I always wondered, if those people really wanted to feel good about themselves, why don’t they just do something good. Give blood, do volunteer work or something, so they would have an actual reason to feel good.

I don’t know is this CNT the same kind of thing. I tried to find an example of the exorcises the patients do, but didn’t find any. Changing the way a person thinks just sounds so weird to me. I don’t have a problem with the way I think, my thoughts are pretty rational in my opinion. It’s my feeling that are the irrational ones. Sometimes I’m feeling bad, even if things are not worse than usual and sometimes when bad stuff happens, I feel just fine. It’s like the part of my brain that handles conscious thinking is not connected to the part that handles emotions.

Unstable personality

December 25, 2011

I had a long discussion with one of the nurses last night. The first discussion I’ve had here, where I felt someone properly listened. He said it seems like I have an unstable personality. I knew something more than just depression was going on with me. He’s not a doctor, so he can’t make an official diagnosis, but after I read on the subject, I noticed that I have most of the symptoms.

I have depression, anxiety, I’m easily irritated, I don’t feel comfortable in social situations (except when drunk), I feel mildly delusional at times, I drink too much, I’m suicidal, I have previously cut myself to relieve anxiety, I have a habit of over eating, I’m impulsive when I feel stressed, I have trouble with expressing my feelings etc.

I feel a little bit better, now that I’ve had the talk. I’m not sure was it the talking or finding out what’s wrong with me or both. I’m just not sure how things move forward from now on. According to what I’ve read, treatment usually lasts 2-3 years, and therapy is vital to the recovery. I might be able to get therapy sooner than I thought, if the doctor agrees with the nurse on the diagnosis. She’s probably not coming here until Tuesday so I’m going to have to wait a few days.