Went to bed last night before 11pm. I didn’t hear or see any fireworks, which makes this New Years eve different from all the others. After the evening tea the nurses brought soda and chips and everyone gathered in the TV room. Everyone but me. I’m not into non-alcoholic parties. I’m not into parties in general. If a friend is having a party, I sometimes feel obligated to go, but I’d rather be drinking alone.

I only have a few friends. I’ve known them from secondary school. After them, I haven’t made any friends from the schools and workplaces I’ve been in. I think the reason, why I’ve kept in contact with those few people is that they like to drink heavily too. In my late teens and early twenties I thought drinking by yourself was embarrassing, so it was handy to have a few drinking buddies. Nowadays I don’t care.

It’s more than three weeks since I’ve been drunk. It’s weird how, despite drinking almost everyday for at last two years, I didn’t get any physical withdrawal symptoms when I quit and I only get occasionally cravings. I guess I’m not tempted so much, because I know I don’t have a chance of getting drunk without getting caught, so it’s not worth thinking about. If I’d have an opportunity to get drunk, I wouldn’t think twice about it.

What am I doing here?

December 27, 2011

I’ve now been in this mental hospital over a week and I’ve started to wonder what’s am I going to do in the future. Which is not good. I’m trying to keep those thoughts away, because they stress me out. I’m going to be here for a few weeks, so it’s no use thinking about it now.

They took an EKG today. I’m not sure why, but I’d guess it’s to do with my high blood pressure and the fact that they plan to increase my medication. Currently I’m taking one pill in the morning, different one in the evening and pills that are supposed to calm me down during the day, if needed. I say supposed, because all they seem to do is make me dizzy and give me a slight headache. Despite the amount of drugs, I really haven’t notices any difference in my mood. The doctor said the effect is going to show in few weeks.

I haven’t slept well after the first night here. I keep waking up in the middle of the night several times. Sometimes for no reason, sometimes because my roommate is shouting "Help!" in her sleep and I have to get out of bed and wake her up. The bad sleep is really starting to put me in a bad mood. Little things are starting to irritate me to a point where I want to punch someone. I’m not violent by nature and if I would actually hit someone, I’d be really supriced. I’m just entertaining the thought.

What now?

December 22, 2011

It’s my fourth day in a mental hospital. A week ago I thought I’d be dead by now. To be honest, i’m disappointed. I tried several methods to kill myself, but turns out, it’s harder than I thought. This blog is a description of what I do with my time now. With time that I never wanted to have.

I think the doctors and nurses think that I came here to recover and get better, so I can go back into the hamster wheel that is normal life. Really my motivation was just to go somewhere where I can sleep as much as I want and get drugs whenever I feel like it. The doctor who I spoke with on my second day here said that there is a good chance for me to recover, because I’m young and I have family and friends who care about me. I know there are people who care about me. I’m just so sick and tired of caring about them. Caring about anything really.

People here think I just have a normal depression that I can recover from. But I think there’s something fundamentally wrong with me. I was born different somehow. I don’t remember ever feeling happy. I’ve felt brief moments of joy and I’ve had fun at times, but I’ve never felt that where I am at my life felt good. Even as a kid I just wanted to grow up, because I thought then I’d be happy. Then I thought I’d be happy after I graduated or after I got a new job or after I did this or did that. I did all of those things and it made no difference to how I felt.

My mom came to visit yesterday. My doctor thought it would make me feel better. It made me feel worse. My parents have always been so good to me and I feel like an asshole, for making them worry about me, but I can’t go on pretending everything is alright. I don’t have the energy anymore. I don’t like people. I’ve never made friends easily. I have a few friends, but all we do together is get drunk and if I have to see them in a situation where we can’t drink, I make an excuse to leave as fast as I can. I’m 26 years old and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I just like too much being by myself. I don’t even like to spend time with my family, even though they’ve never been anything but loving and caring towards me. I’ve never felt lonely in a bad way, I’ve never missed anyone and I’ve certainly never loved anyone.

Now I feel stuck. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do. I wouldn’t mind living, if I could just be by myself and never have to deal with people, but that’s not the way world works. I wish I had a loaded gun in my hands right now.