What am I doing here?

December 27, 2011

I’ve now been in this mental hospital over a week and I’ve started to wonder what’s am I going to do in the future. Which is not good. I’m trying to keep those thoughts away, because they stress me out. I’m going to be here for a few weeks, so it’s no use thinking about it now.

They took an EKG today. I’m not sure why, but I’d guess it’s to do with my high blood pressure and the fact that they plan to increase my medication. Currently I’m taking one pill in the morning, different one in the evening and pills that are supposed to calm me down during the day, if needed. I say supposed, because all they seem to do is make me dizzy and give me a slight headache. Despite the amount of drugs, I really haven’t notices any difference in my mood. The doctor said the effect is going to show in few weeks.

I haven’t slept well after the first night here. I keep waking up in the middle of the night several times. Sometimes for no reason, sometimes because my roommate is shouting "Help!" in her sleep and I have to get out of bed and wake her up. The bad sleep is really starting to put me in a bad mood. Little things are starting to irritate me to a point where I want to punch someone. I’m not violent by nature and if I would actually hit someone, I’d be really supriced. I’m just entertaining the thought.


I was searching the web for scientific studies about depression and found this on http://psychcentral.com/news/2011/11/18/practice-concrete-thinking-to-lessen-depression/31657.html

Immediately I thought of those goofy American think positive classes, where you stand in front of a mirror every day telling yourself what a wonderful person you are. And when you tell yourself a lie enough times you start to believe it. I always wondered, if those people really wanted to feel good about themselves, why don’t they just do something good. Give blood, do volunteer work or something, so they would have an actual reason to feel good.

I don’t know is this CNT the same kind of thing. I tried to find an example of the exorcises the patients do, but didn’t find any. Changing the way a person thinks just sounds so weird to me. I don’t have a problem with the way I think, my thoughts are pretty rational in my opinion. It’s my feeling that are the irrational ones. Sometimes I’m feeling bad, even if things are not worse than usual and sometimes when bad stuff happens, I feel just fine. It’s like the part of my brain that handles conscious thinking is not connected to the part that handles emotions.

Unstable personality

December 25, 2011

I had a long discussion with one of the nurses last night. The first discussion I’ve had here, where I felt someone properly listened. He said it seems like I have an unstable personality. I knew something more than just depression was going on with me. He’s not a doctor, so he can’t make an official diagnosis, but after I read on the subject, I noticed that I have most of the symptoms.

I have depression, anxiety, I’m easily irritated, I don’t feel comfortable in social situations (except when drunk), I feel mildly delusional at times, I drink too much, I’m suicidal, I have previously cut myself to relieve anxiety, I have a habit of over eating, I’m impulsive when I feel stressed, I have trouble with expressing my feelings etc.

I feel a little bit better, now that I’ve had the talk. I’m not sure was it the talking or finding out what’s wrong with me or both. I’m just not sure how things move forward from now on. According to what I’ve read, treatment usually lasts 2-3 years, and therapy is vital to the recovery. I might be able to get therapy sooner than I thought, if the doctor agrees with the nurse on the diagnosis. She’s probably not coming here until Tuesday so I’m going to have to wait a few days.

Different kind of Christmas

December 24, 2011

My mom and my sister came to visit today. It didn’t go as badly as I thought. They stayed less than an our and my sister only cried a little bit. Mom didn’t pressure me to talk about my feeling as much as she did last time. I can’t talk to her, or to anyone in my family, cause I don’t like lying and I can’t tell the truth. I can’t tell them that I’ve given up trying and I’d prefer to be dead. I’d never hear the end of it.

After they left, I’ve been feeling a bit restless. I’ve been staying in my room for most of the day. There aren’t that many patients here today and almost all of them are watching TV. I can’t stand the Christmas shows. Haven’t liked Christmas for many years now. Usually I go to my parents house for Christmas eve, come back home in the evening and drink by myself for the rest of the Christmas. I haven’t really craved for alcohol since I got here, until now. I guess that’s one tradition I have to pass this year.

A nurse came in the room just as I was writing this and gave me pills, because apparently I’ve been looking anxious today. Wasn’t aware that it was that obvious. Last time that I took those drugs for my anxiety they didn’t help. That’s why I haven’t asked for them today. Lets see if they work today.

Suicide by Atkins

December 23, 2011

The nurses are getting worried about my bloodpressure being so high. Propably it’s caused by the drugs. They told me to come and tell straight away if I had a headache or felt dizzy. I’m feeling a bit dizzy and I have a mild headache, but I don’t want to tell that to the nurses. I’m hoping to get a heart attack or something. I’m probaply too young for that. Although I’ve heard of teenage girls having heart attacks from Atkins. I should have thought of that before I got here. Maby I’ll try it after I get out. Eat nothing but bacon untill collapse on the floor. Slow but delicious way to end a life.

Enough with the optimism

December 23, 2011

Everyone is so optimistic about my future. Doctors, nurses, my family, all think that I just need a bit of rest and then I’m ready to be a productive member of society again. I try to explain that it isn’t so easy. I guess people think being encouraging will make me feel better, when in reality it just annoys me. My doctor acts like she has me figured out already based on the few short discussions we’ve had. I thought psychiatrists were supposed to listen to their patients. Although to be fair, it’s harder for me to express these things verbally than in writing.

I’ve been wondering, should I tell my friends that I’m in a mental hospital. On the other hand I’m curious to know what their reaction would be, but I don’t need more people giving me useless advice and pointless pity. I’m so glad they’ve never managed to convince me to go on facebook. If I was on facebook it would look weird, not talking to them for weeks. I’ve been thinking of never contacting them again. I don’t feel like I need drinking buddies anymore and I’ve never felt that talking to them about my feelings has helped me so much, so I don’t see why continue to keep in touch.

A nurse here asked me if I’d want to go to a group therapy session. I don’t really want to talk about my feelings in front of a group of random strangers, who most likely don’t give a shit about me or what I think. I’d prefer one on one therapy, but in Finland you have to first be on medication for six months before you can get therapy from public healthcare. Treating people with drugs is cheaper than therapy, so mental patients don’t get therapy unless it becomes obvious that they are not getting better on drugs alone. I really don’t think drugs are going to help me, unless there’s a drug out there that completely alters a persons personality.

What now?

December 22, 2011

It’s my fourth day in a mental hospital. A week ago I thought I’d be dead by now. To be honest, i’m disappointed. I tried several methods to kill myself, but turns out, it’s harder than I thought. This blog is a description of what I do with my time now. With time that I never wanted to have.

I think the doctors and nurses think that I came here to recover and get better, so I can go back into the hamster wheel that is normal life. Really my motivation was just to go somewhere where I can sleep as much as I want and get drugs whenever I feel like it. The doctor who I spoke with on my second day here said that there is a good chance for me to recover, because I’m young and I have family and friends who care about me. I know there are people who care about me. I’m just so sick and tired of caring about them. Caring about anything really.

People here think I just have a normal depression that I can recover from. But I think there’s something fundamentally wrong with me. I was born different somehow. I don’t remember ever feeling happy. I’ve felt brief moments of joy and I’ve had fun at times, but I’ve never felt that where I am at my life felt good. Even as a kid I just wanted to grow up, because I thought then I’d be happy. Then I thought I’d be happy after I graduated or after I got a new job or after I did this or did that. I did all of those things and it made no difference to how I felt.

My mom came to visit yesterday. My doctor thought it would make me feel better. It made me feel worse. My parents have always been so good to me and I feel like an asshole, for making them worry about me, but I can’t go on pretending everything is alright. I don’t have the energy anymore. I don’t like people. I’ve never made friends easily. I have a few friends, but all we do together is get drunk and if I have to see them in a situation where we can’t drink, I make an excuse to leave as fast as I can. I’m 26 years old and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I just like too much being by myself. I don’t even like to spend time with my family, even though they’ve never been anything but loving and caring towards me. I’ve never felt lonely in a bad way, I’ve never missed anyone and I’ve certainly never loved anyone.

Now I feel stuck. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do. I wouldn’t mind living, if I could just be by myself and never have to deal with people, but that’s not the way world works. I wish I had a loaded gun in my hands right now.