Flying high

January 7, 2012

I’ve been in bed for most of the time these past two days. I haven’t been sleeping the whole time, just lying down. The doctor added another pill to my morning cocktail and when I lye down and close my eyes, my head starts spinning in a good way. In the evening I get downers so I have slept at night, but at daytime I’m flying high. I have to get up every now and then though, so the nurses don’t think I’m wallowing in misery the whole day and need someone to talk to. I had a talk with a psychologist the day before yesterday and I couldn’t wait for the meeting to be over. The chair that I was sitting on was so soft that I had to fight the urge to just close my eyes and enjoy the high.

Another weird thing is that I don’t feel like smoking that much anymore. I still go for a cigarette every now and then, but mainly out of habit. I think yesterday I smoked less than ten cigarettes. I’ve heard that doctors sometimes prescribe antidepressants to people who want to quit smoking. Although I’m not sure if getting high everyday is more healthier than smoking.

I think the drugs are starting to affect me. The doctor said it would take a couple of weeks and over two weeks have gone. I’m not feeling like myself anymore. It’s getting harder to live in the moment. Thoughts and worries about the future keep creeping up in my mind. It’s harder to distract my thoughts away from things I can’t do anything about at the moment.

Last night before I fell asleep I started thinking about how long I’m going to live. If I’d know I had less than a year to live, I’d be fine with it. I could hang in there for that long. But the thought of living a full life… Even now I feel like panicking. I’m starting to seriously think of ways to kill myself. I googled poisons yesterday, but I didn’t find anything both practical and having a high chance of being effective.

Went to bed last night before 11pm. I didn’t hear or see any fireworks, which makes this New Years eve different from all the others. After the evening tea the nurses brought soda and chips and everyone gathered in the TV room. Everyone but me. I’m not into non-alcoholic parties. I’m not into parties in general. If a friend is having a party, I sometimes feel obligated to go, but I’d rather be drinking alone.

I only have a few friends. I’ve known them from secondary school. After them, I haven’t made any friends from the schools and workplaces I’ve been in. I think the reason, why I’ve kept in contact with those few people is that they like to drink heavily too. In my late teens and early twenties I thought drinking by yourself was embarrassing, so it was handy to have a few drinking buddies. Nowadays I don’t care.

It’s more than three weeks since I’ve been drunk. It’s weird how, despite drinking almost everyday for at last two years, I didn’t get any physical withdrawal symptoms when I quit and I only get occasionally cravings. I guess I’m not tempted so much, because I know I don’t have a chance of getting drunk without getting caught, so it’s not worth thinking about. If I’d have an opportunity to get drunk, I wouldn’t think twice about it.