Unstable personality

December 25, 2011

I had a long discussion with one of the nurses last night. The first discussion I’ve had here, where I felt someone properly listened. He said it seems like I have an unstable personality. I knew something more than just depression was going on with me. He’s not a doctor, so he can’t make an official diagnosis, but after I read on the subject, I noticed that I have most of the symptoms.

I have depression, anxiety, I’m easily irritated, I don’t feel comfortable in social situations (except when drunk), I feel mildly delusional at times, I drink too much, I’m suicidal, I have previously cut myself to relieve anxiety, I have a habit of over eating, I’m impulsive when I feel stressed, I have trouble with expressing my feelings etc.

I feel a little bit better, now that I’ve had the talk. I’m not sure was it the talking or finding out what’s wrong with me or both. I’m just not sure how things move forward from now on. According to what I’ve read, treatment usually lasts 2-3 years, and therapy is vital to the recovery. I might be able to get therapy sooner than I thought, if the doctor agrees with the nurse on the diagnosis. She’s probably not coming here until Tuesday so I’m going to have to wait a few days.


Different kind of Christmas

December 24, 2011

My mom and my sister came to visit today. It didn’t go as badly as I thought. They stayed less than an our and my sister only cried a little bit. Mom didn’t pressure me to talk about my feeling as much as she did last time. I can’t talk to her, or to anyone in my family, cause I don’t like lying and I can’t tell the truth. I can’t tell them that I’ve given up trying and I’d prefer to be dead. I’d never hear the end of it.

After they left, I’ve been feeling a bit restless. I’ve been staying in my room for most of the day. There aren’t that many patients here today and almost all of them are watching TV. I can’t stand the Christmas shows. Haven’t liked Christmas for many years now. Usually I go to my parents house for Christmas eve, come back home in the evening and drink by myself for the rest of the Christmas. I haven’t really craved for alcohol since I got here, until now. I guess that’s one tradition I have to pass this year.

A nurse came in the room just as I was writing this and gave me pills, because apparently I’ve been looking anxious today. Wasn’t aware that it was that obvious. Last time that I took those drugs for my anxiety they didn’t help. That’s why I haven’t asked for them today. Lets see if they work today.

Suicide by Atkins

December 23, 2011

The nurses are getting worried about my bloodpressure being so high. Propably it’s caused by the drugs. They told me to come and tell straight away if I had a headache or felt dizzy. I’m feeling a bit dizzy and I have a mild headache, but I don’t want to tell that to the nurses. I’m hoping to get a heart attack or something. I’m probaply too young for that. Although I’ve heard of teenage girls having heart attacks from Atkins. I should have thought of that before I got here. Maby I’ll try it after I get out. Eat nothing but bacon untill collapse on the floor. Slow but delicious way to end a life.

Enough with the optimism

December 23, 2011

Everyone is so optimistic about my future. Doctors, nurses, my family, all think that I just need a bit of rest and then I’m ready to be a productive member of society again. I try to explain that it isn’t so easy. I guess people think being encouraging will make me feel better, when in reality it just annoys me. My doctor acts like she has me figured out already based on the few short discussions we’ve had. I thought psychiatrists were supposed to listen to their patients. Although to be fair, it’s harder for me to express these things verbally than in writing.

I’ve been wondering, should I tell my friends that I’m in a mental hospital. On the other hand I’m curious to know what their reaction would be, but I don’t need more people giving me useless advice and pointless pity. I’m so glad they’ve never managed to convince me to go on facebook. If I was on facebook it would look weird, not talking to them for weeks. I’ve been thinking of never contacting them again. I don’t feel like I need drinking buddies anymore and I’ve never felt that talking to them about my feelings has helped me so much, so I don’t see why continue to keep in touch.

A nurse here asked me if I’d want to go to a group therapy session. I don’t really want to talk about my feelings in front of a group of random strangers, who most likely don’t give a shit about me or what I think. I’d prefer one on one therapy, but in Finland you have to first be on medication for six months before you can get therapy from public healthcare. Treating people with drugs is cheaper than therapy, so mental patients don’t get therapy unless it becomes obvious that they are not getting better on drugs alone. I really don’t think drugs are going to help me, unless there’s a drug out there that completely alters a persons personality.