Different kind of Christmas

December 24, 2011

My mom and my sister came to visit today. It didn’t go as badly as I thought. They stayed less than an our and my sister only cried a little bit. Mom didn’t pressure me to talk about my feeling as much as she did last time. I can’t talk to her, or to anyone in my family, cause I don’t like lying and I can’t tell the truth. I can’t tell them that I’ve given up trying and I’d prefer to be dead. I’d never hear the end of it.

After they left, I’ve been feeling a bit restless. I’ve been staying in my room for most of the day. There aren’t that many patients here today and almost all of them are watching TV. I can’t stand the Christmas shows. Haven’t liked Christmas for many years now. Usually I go to my parents house for Christmas eve, come back home in the evening and drink by myself for the rest of the Christmas. I haven’t really craved for alcohol since I got here, until now. I guess that’s one tradition I have to pass this year.

A nurse came in the room just as I was writing this and gave me pills, because apparently I’ve been looking anxious today. Wasn’t aware that it was that obvious. Last time that I took those drugs for my anxiety they didn’t help. That’s why I haven’t asked for them today. Lets see if they work today.

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