Enough with the optimism

December 23, 2011

Everyone is so optimistic about my future. Doctors, nurses, my family, all think that I just need a bit of rest and then I’m ready to be a productive member of society again. I try to explain that it isn’t so easy. I guess people think being encouraging will make me feel better, when in reality it just annoys me. My doctor acts like she has me figured out already based on the few short discussions we’ve had. I thought psychiatrists were supposed to listen to their patients. Although to be fair, it’s harder for me to express these things verbally than in writing.

I’ve been wondering, should I tell my friends that I’m in a mental hospital. On the other hand I’m curious to know what their reaction would be, but I don’t need more people giving me useless advice and pointless pity. I’m so glad they’ve never managed to convince me to go on facebook. If I was on facebook it would look weird, not talking to them for weeks. I’ve been thinking of never contacting them again. I don’t feel like I need drinking buddies anymore and I’ve never felt that talking to them about my feelings has helped me so much, so I don’t see why continue to keep in touch.

A nurse here asked me if I’d want to go to a group therapy session. I don’t really want to talk about my feelings in front of a group of random strangers, who most likely don’t give a shit about me or what I think. I’d prefer one on one therapy, but in Finland you have to first be on medication for six months before you can get therapy from public healthcare. Treating people with drugs is cheaper than therapy, so mental patients don’t get therapy unless it becomes obvious that they are not getting better on drugs alone. I really don’t think drugs are going to help me, unless there’s a drug out there that completely alters a persons personality.

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