What now?

December 22, 2011

It’s my fourth day in a mental hospital. A week ago I thought I’d be dead by now. To be honest, i’m disappointed. I tried several methods to kill myself, but turns out, it’s harder than I thought. This blog is a description of what I do with my time now. With time that I never wanted to have.

I think the doctors and nurses think that I came here to recover and get better, so I can go back into the hamster wheel that is normal life. Really my motivation was just to go somewhere where I can sleep as much as I want and get drugs whenever I feel like it. The doctor who I spoke with on my second day here said that there is a good chance for me to recover, because I’m young and I have family and friends who care about me. I know there are people who care about me. I’m just so sick and tired of caring about them. Caring about anything really.

People here think I just have a normal depression that I can recover from. But I think there’s something fundamentally wrong with me. I was born different somehow. I don’t remember ever feeling happy. I’ve felt brief moments of joy and I’ve had fun at times, but I’ve never felt that where I am at my life felt good. Even as a kid I just wanted to grow up, because I thought then I’d be happy. Then I thought I’d be happy after I graduated or after I got a new job or after I did this or did that. I did all of those things and it made no difference to how I felt.

My mom came to visit yesterday. My doctor thought it would make me feel better. It made me feel worse. My parents have always been so good to me and I feel like an asshole, for making them worry about me, but I can’t go on pretending everything is alright. I don’t have the energy anymore. I don’t like people. I’ve never made friends easily. I have a few friends, but all we do together is get drunk and if I have to see them in a situation where we can’t drink, I make an excuse to leave as fast as I can. I’m 26 years old and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I just like too much being by myself. I don’t even like to spend time with my family, even though they’ve never been anything but loving and caring towards me. I’ve never felt lonely in a bad way, I’ve never missed anyone and I’ve certainly never loved anyone.

Now I feel stuck. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do. I wouldn’t mind living, if I could just be by myself and never have to deal with people, but that’s not the way world works. I wish I had a loaded gun in my hands right now.

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